Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Marvel Top Ten, Number Five:

When he rocks the mic, he rocks the mic right - number five in the Marvel U with 101 points, it's the diabolical Doctor Doom.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

DC Top Ten, Number Six:

The last character you'd want gambling picks from is your sixth-favorite character in the DCU - with 79 points, Booster Gold.

Mid mid Midnight Lover

We interrupt the Top Ten lists to bring you this, probably the best thing on the entire internet:

You are freaking welcome.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Top Ten: Showing my Work

It's come up in the comments, so I thought I'd share with you my byzantine and ridiculous scoring rubric.

A number one vote netted that character 25 points, and second place 24, third place 23 and so on and so forth all the way down to a single point for a last-place ranking. Which is really neither byzantine nor ridiculous, really.

More DC lists than Marvel were submitted, but the Marvel lists produced way fewer orphans - that is to say, characters that appeared on only one list - so the low end of the Marvel list tends to outscore the same positions on the DC one. The DC scores ended up way, way more top-heavy.

Trust me.

DC Top Ten, Number Seven:

With 76 points, your seventh-favorite character in the DCU, the unphotographable Mr. Terrific.

Marvel Top Ten, Number Six:

Nope, I didn't skip one - we had a tie.Both the Mighty Thor and the Flowery Adjective Stan Lee Lifted From a Thesaurus when "Bouncing" Would Probably Have Done Just Fine Beast pulled a hundred points and appeared on the same number of lists.

That was my tie-breaker, see. So tied they remain, forever.

DC Top Ten, Number Eight:

Damn near stealing eighth place - a mere single point separates him from Miracle at ninth - it's Lex Luthor.

Marvel Top Ten, Number Eight:

At least 84 of his 85 points can be directly attributed to Peter David - eighth place in the Marvel universe goes to Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man.

DC Top Ten, Number Nine:

Deftly flying under the radar and shaking off competition from both his wife and his good buddy, the Dog of War, it's Mister Miracle with 69 points.

Marvel Top Ten, Number Nine:

At number nine, with 81 points: The green giant that doesn't give a damn if you eat your peas, the Incredible Hulk.

Friday, September 21, 2007

DC Top Ten, Number Ten:

Your number ten favorite character in the DC universe, with 66 points: Dated pop culture reference goes here, it's Jack Knight.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Marvel Top Ten, Number Ten:

Coming in at number ten with 77 points - Imperious freaking Rex, it's Namor, the Sub-Mariner.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Three-Minute Warning.

I'm giving the top twenty-five lists until eight PM eastern before I math the Hell out of them, so hop to if you're going to hop at all.

WAIT -- DID I SAY THREE MINUTES?

Edited at 9:07 to add: I'll hold out on the results until tomorrow in case west-coasters and people from far afield, possibly fictional countries want to shoot me anything after they get off work, but at present, it's looking like Beast, J Jonah Jameson and Thanos are coming in at eleven through thirteen on the Marvel list, so if you've got a weird boner for cigar-chewing newspaper editors or death-worshipping Starfox siblings, you might want to push them up your ranks accordingly.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

This is entirely Scip's fault:

Seriously, all him. Go, go to the Absorbascon, surround him with torches and ominous wooden rakes, for I am not but a hatchetman in this instance.

ToldHerOnceAlready

Monday, September 17, 2007

Hulk doesn't understand science, robots, Spoon

So the girlfriend, she went and met Keepon. Keepon's an adorable, marshmellow Peep-looking robot programmed to look at you lovingly while dancing as cutely as an entire button factory, see.

That.

He promises futures filled not with Randian dystopias and androids dreaming of electric sheep, but foam snowmen shakin' it like a drunken relative seven rum and cokes into a cousin's wedding.

Anyway, here's the girlfriend with Hideki Kozima, Keepon's developer. Hands off my Kool-Aid, scientician.
And here is Keepon in all his foamy glory.
Don't you just wanna hug the crap out of that thing?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Making life worth living.

There's a solid chance I'll be liveblogging tonight's Emmy awards over on the shamefully underupdated Drudge Siren, so if you wanted to make an otherwise altogether boring night of television slightly more entertaining by way of living vicariously through me and my roommate, hit it up.

And I'm still accepting lists of favorite characters, so if you want your opinion to mean anything at all, get cracking.

Finally, here's Turkish "battle metal" band Turisas covering Boney M's seminal "Rasputin." Because I love you, that's why.

Turisas - Rasputin

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Everyone likes lists.

Were it not for lists, how would we know what order things come in? How would we quantify unquantifiables, like I am about to? How would we determine the top ten most favorite characters from the big two universes?

Thank whatever God you think gives a damn, because we do have lists, and they are about to be used. Here's the deal: you, the loyal internet-reading person, bored out of your mind at work, compiles a list of your favorite fifty characters - twenty-five from Marvel, twenty-five from DC, and shoot it my way by next Wednesday night (the 19th). I will then determine the top ten from each universe by way of complicated science and also counting. Mostly counting.

Placement on the lists counts, so make sure your most-favoritests are at the top, obviously. And be sure to specify which iteration of a character you mean - this is probably more important for DC than Marvel, as there're a ton of Green Lanterns and Flashes and Starmen and Hourmen and only the one, say, Wolverine.

While I'm on it, number one votes for Wolverine will be unilaterally thrown out. I'm invoking listmaker's prerogative, there.

Feel free to tell me why you're placing characters where you do, by the way; it'll spice up reading the things, if nothing else. And, just to get the ball rolling, look at my stupid lists:

1 Batman
2 Bizarro
3 Starman (Jack Knight)
4 Joker
5 Adam Strange
6 The Question (Vic Sage)
7 Mr Terrific (Michael Holt)
8 Robin (Tim Drake)
9 Catwoman
10 Hawkman
11 Deadshot
12 Solomon Grundy
13 Steel (John Henry Irons)
14 Oracle
15 Lex Luthor
16 Blue Devil
17 The Demon
18 Wildcat (Ted Grant)
19 Martian Manhunter
20 Gorilla Grodd
21 The Flash (Wally West)
22 Deadman
23 Mr Miracle
24 Ragman
25 Booster Gold

Yeah, I mark out for Bizarro so hard.

1 Jamie Madrox
2 The Thing
3 Hawkeye
4 Namor
5 Taskmaster
6 Luke Cage
7 Hank Pym
8 Kang the Conqueror
9 The Beetle
10 The Beast
11 Captain America
12 Dr Doom
13 Thor
14 Black Panther
15 Hulk
16 The Constrictor
17 Moon Knight
18 Super Skrull
19 Daredevil
20 Black Bolt
21 Galactus
22 Dr Strange
23 Punisher
24 Deadpool
25 War Machine

Yeah, that's right. The Beetle. And the Constrictor. I love crappy Marvel villains.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Friday, September 07, 2007

Youngblood: Bloodsport #1.3 or Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Like a sadistic dentist, I have spaced your pain out between spurts of uncomfortable silence and even more uncomfortable talking. But your respite has ended; it's time for the drill. Yep, it's time for more Youngblood.

Before we commence to jigglin', standard mature readers only warning goes here. Really ridiculous Johnny DC mature readers only warning gooooooesss...

Here:When we last saw the team, they were firmly embroiled in a double-page group shot in the basement of a porn store. It's... it's that kind of comic, I'm afraid.
Hah hah, oh man, mirror-universe Alan Greenspan! Hah hah hah, that's gold, Jerry, gold! Also, hah hah, Superman's dead and his lungs are in Sentinel's mom! Jesus, somebody better warn the lawyers, because that kind of edge is liable to cut a reader's hands right off his body!
Suprema's costume might be the worst one in the book. I'm serious. Girl looks like an American Gladiator or, like, a mid-nineties triathlete. Or a coded sign outside a rest stop on the Jersey turnpike.Suprema's Supreme's sister. Supreme is Superman, except he has white hair and has been written by Alan Moore more recently. Also, Suprema's eyes are moving across her head of their own volition, Shannon Doherty-style. I've always loved the bits of Liefeld's art where it's clear that he occasionally draws stuff like a kindergartener would - this is what an eye looks like! I will now put it somewhere on this face, which is balanced atop a bafflingly nine-foot neck!

Anyway, Suprema explains that she's there not for fame, but to help people. She's then interrupted by Agent Graves, who offers her an attaché containing a gun, untraceable bullets and incontrovertible proof that one person has destroyed her life identifies himself as some sort of generic, Henry Peter Gyrich-style government liaison type.
He then pitches a multi-universal version of Youngblood to the assembled ripoffs, protecting a hundred and ninety-nine different realities and paying absurdly well. And then he throws the curveball.Oh snap, maybe that's more of a slurve. Or a slutter. So, if the title didn't give it away, we're now balls-deep in a Most Dangerous Game riff, and it only took us like two thirds of the book to get there. That kind of pacing would be aces if a second issue ever came out.I seriously only scanned that for "shits of the highest order." That's an epic use of needless vulgarity, right there. I barely know what he means, and I love poop.Either Seahawk's rage is so massive it's warping local physics and throwing linear perspective all loopy, Agent Graves is standing on a stepladder just outside the panel or Rob Liefeld doesn't give a single damn about what he's drawing. I'm going to go with the rage one, mostly because I couldn't tell you what Seahawk's powers are and maybe that's one of them.

Whatever, though; we're well over the hump - there're only like four pages left and I scanned less than half of them - so somebody's got to die for your sin of having read this. That's right, Seahawk's Jesus.
Look at that. He got lasered so hard that his face exploded into a perplexing giant replica of his face. It's like he got killed in a Japanese cartoon, or something.

After this, Sentinel calls Graves a bad name and the issue ends, never ever to be continued ever.

Thank God.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Doom makes no apologies for this!

Doom is above your mere innuendos! Doom's fist works on many levels, but none are sexual in nature! Taint not Doom's mighty legacy with your filthy bloggery, for Doom is the wonder of the age!