Friday, September 07, 2007

Youngblood: Bloodsport #1.3 or Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Like a sadistic dentist, I have spaced your pain out between spurts of uncomfortable silence and even more uncomfortable talking. But your respite has ended; it's time for the drill. Yep, it's time for more Youngblood.

Before we commence to jigglin', standard mature readers only warning goes here. Really ridiculous Johnny DC mature readers only warning gooooooesss...

Here:When we last saw the team, they were firmly embroiled in a double-page group shot in the basement of a porn store. It's... it's that kind of comic, I'm afraid.
Hah hah, oh man, mirror-universe Alan Greenspan! Hah hah hah, that's gold, Jerry, gold! Also, hah hah, Superman's dead and his lungs are in Sentinel's mom! Jesus, somebody better warn the lawyers, because that kind of edge is liable to cut a reader's hands right off his body!
Suprema's costume might be the worst one in the book. I'm serious. Girl looks like an American Gladiator or, like, a mid-nineties triathlete. Or a coded sign outside a rest stop on the Jersey turnpike.Suprema's Supreme's sister. Supreme is Superman, except he has white hair and has been written by Alan Moore more recently. Also, Suprema's eyes are moving across her head of their own volition, Shannon Doherty-style. I've always loved the bits of Liefeld's art where it's clear that he occasionally draws stuff like a kindergartener would - this is what an eye looks like! I will now put it somewhere on this face, which is balanced atop a bafflingly nine-foot neck!

Anyway, Suprema explains that she's there not for fame, but to help people. She's then interrupted by Agent Graves, who offers her an attaché containing a gun, untraceable bullets and incontrovertible proof that one person has destroyed her life identifies himself as some sort of generic, Henry Peter Gyrich-style government liaison type.
He then pitches a multi-universal version of Youngblood to the assembled ripoffs, protecting a hundred and ninety-nine different realities and paying absurdly well. And then he throws the curveball.Oh snap, maybe that's more of a slurve. Or a slutter. So, if the title didn't give it away, we're now balls-deep in a Most Dangerous Game riff, and it only took us like two thirds of the book to get there. That kind of pacing would be aces if a second issue ever came out.I seriously only scanned that for "shits of the highest order." That's an epic use of needless vulgarity, right there. I barely know what he means, and I love poop.Either Seahawk's rage is so massive it's warping local physics and throwing linear perspective all loopy, Agent Graves is standing on a stepladder just outside the panel or Rob Liefeld doesn't give a single damn about what he's drawing. I'm going to go with the rage one, mostly because I couldn't tell you what Seahawk's powers are and maybe that's one of them.

Whatever, though; we're well over the hump - there're only like four pages left and I scanned less than half of them - so somebody's got to die for your sin of having read this. That's right, Seahawk's Jesus.
Look at that. He got lasered so hard that his face exploded into a perplexing giant replica of his face. It's like he got killed in a Japanese cartoon, or something.

After this, Sentinel calls Graves a bad name and the issue ends, never ever to be continued ever.

Thank God.


John Foley said...

From what I can recall, Seahawk was like the Sub-Mariner if he wore Batman's costume. Kind of a lame character, but the costume isn't terrible. Even he didn't deserve to go in such undignified fashion.
I don't know how I missed this comic when it came out, but it seems bloody horrible. I know that Mark Millar has a lot of supporters out there, but this is just indefensible stuff.
What's really amazing to me is the fact that this is even worse than the original Youngblood series. Much, much worse. And the original series was pretty terrible.
Somehow Rob Liefeld has forgotten that when you're drawing the eyes you should make them *one* eye width apart, with little variation.
Perhaps he never knew.

Rambo said...

You leave Shannon Doherty out of this! It's not her fault her mom had a torrid affair with an eight point buck.

And that bastard never did call.

Jon said...

It's actually a beneficial mutation - she can totally see around corners.

Jon H said...

Suprema's just growing up. In the halibut sense. Eventually she'll be kind of flat with both eyes on the same side.

Phillip said...

Look at Agent Graves' eyes in the "shits of the highest order" panel. His left eye is WAY closer to his nose than his right. I think Rob started drawing on the left side, and ran out of room...

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