Thursday, May 03, 2007

From Martian Manhunter's blog:

He's really been pissy lately, that Manhunter.

str8 edge 4 lyyyyfe"What the Hell is the JLA up to?
Current mood: angry

I'm not gonna bitch that I'm not on the team. Hell, what do I need a team for? I can take anybody in their little clubhouse out in a straight fight, anyway. Except for Plastic Man, so long as Joe Kelly's around. Who knew that guy was immune to psychic powers?

Well, Batman, for one. H'ronmeer, I hate that guy.

Anyway, I'm sort of curious what the standards of admission are for joining up with the Justice League in this day and age. Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman are gimmes - nobody ever takes that team seriously if those guys don't show up, and if they aren't there, we get stuck with, like, me bossing Agent Liberty and the Black freaking Condor around.

Fine, I'll accept Canary. Maybe even Hawkgirl. But nobody can fill me in on why they aren't in the Justice Society, where all you need for membership is a picture of one of your parents wearing a fetish suit or evidence that you once punched a Fifth Columnist in the balls back in the Big One.

I don't fit the JSA profile because I didn't get here until the fifties, so I couldn't kick Hitler's groin to powder. Way to retroactively screw me again, Dr Erdel.

I'm all for Black Lightning - anybody with a name that on the nose is okay by me, and the guy's more than paid his dues. And they can chuck any old Green Lantern in there; I don't care which so long as there's some shmuck all worried that he can't overcome his fear of the color yellow. I sort've like lording over Kyle, but now he's been pretty much a god a couple times and I don't know how hard I can screw with somebody that's been known to accidentally create supervillains with his unconscious mind. Whatever; Hal's a reasonably good guy and it's always fun to see him get beaned in the head with stuff. I swear, that man's noggin is like some kind of awesome danger magnet.

Roy Harper's a nice kid, but, I mean, isn't there some b-squad he could shore up? It's not like Green Arrow's dead, or anything. And, Hell, there's another Green Arrow who was already in the League. What's that guy doing? Wandering around karating the bejeezus out of Onomatopoeia?

Vixen's alright by me; I was just shocked the rest of the League remembered that whole period where it was me and Gypsy and a bunch of scrubs. I guess being able to be as powerful as animals is handy, and she's certainly prettier than Buddy Baker. But she's never once sent me a fruit basket.

They don't have a speedster, because Wally went and buggered off to the future or something. But Bart's just as fast and probably a little smarter, now that the powers that be decided that he was more interesting as a whiny adult than an entertaining, if mildly irritating child. Maybe they're just holding out until Barry inevitably comes back again. I swear, that guy's on better terms with death than Kid Eternity.

Red Tornado, I don't get. I could wing some Legos at Gorilla Grodd and we'd be in about the same position as having Reddy handy. Maybe it's super-stuffy in the Hall of Justice and he was cheaper than an exhaust fan, I don't know. I dig how they've got one of his old heads on display in the museum, though. That's just a stone-dick move - the tour guide's all "and on your left, you can see a chunk of Red Tornado, torn off by a villain trying to prove he was powerful enough to take on the whole Justice League. Red Tornado was offline, in a storage closet, for three years, until Batman got bored one afternoon and put him back together during a light lunch" while Reddy's choking back tears he can't produce because he's a soulless automaton thinking about the years he lost because Kanjar Ro winged a Gamma Gong through his neck.

Seriously, though, who the Hell does Geo-Force think he's kidding? Is he even on the team? Did he just walk into the building at the right moment to be swept up in a holographic training simulation with Wildcat which led directly into a mission that doesn't seem to really require two entire teams of superhumans? I mean, were he not there, would the League have run their night janitor out to Arkham with Batman? It better not be a Right Place, Right Time situation, because that's stupid as Hell. Did Superman even have a picture of the guy to dramatically burn for no real reason after six months of deliberation was settled by a massive coincidence singularity in an apartment building's front lawn?

Did they even consider me? I've got all of Superman's cooler powers plus mind-reading plus shapeshifting plus intangibility plus I'm not a monumental d-bag like Geo-Force. Ooo, lava blasts? Martian Vision, bitch. Oh, you say you've somehow gained the powers of your turncoat-dead-not-dead-anymore-possibly-from-another-timeline sister? That doesn't even make sense, you inbred prick. Seriously, have fun with your inability to properly clot, freakshow.

Okay, fine, I was lying when I said I wasn't gonna bitch."

2 comments:

SanctumSanctorumComix said...

Duuude,

With THAT level of bitching, you should change your name to

MARTIAN MANGINA

Just sayin'.

Actually, as a non DC guy, but one who keeps up to date on all the goings on anyhoo... I gotta say you're spot on.

All points accounted for.


I think Manhunter's problems are more along the lines of:

- Redundancy factor:
If we have M.M., we don't need half the other guys (lookin' at YOU Superdouche).

- Eraser-Head factor:
His look just suxx.
If M.M. looked more... alien, it would be MUCH cooler.
(And NOT that pointy headed Gumby-form, either. That's just ridiculous.)

Oh, and try a costume that doesn't look like it came out of Hawkman's
Goodwill hand-me-downs.

Maybe something more like Doctor Manhattan's Nude-look.
Manhunter's an alien.
WHo's to say WHERE his good-n-plenty are kept!
He's green... maybe lizard-like in origin, so his bizniz could retract into his abdomen, or he has sex-glands inside his mouth or something.

Whatever.

Or, go the other way and give him an alien-looking suit.
Maybe some tech on it, or even 180degrees the other way... flowing "Priestly" robes (like Byrne's Krytonians).

Not like I really care.
Just feel bad for the poor guy is all.

On nearly EVERY incarnation of the team and always treated like the damned maid.

~P~
P-TOR

Scipio said...

There are really only two things that can retroactively justify Geo-Force being in the League.

1. Geo-Force dying horribly. And slowly. Heck, I'd buy a four issue miniseries of nothing but Geo-Force Dying Horribly and Slowly.

2. It's NOT Geo-Force, but is Martian Manhunter, once again either spying on his friends, or gone off his rocker and imaging he's someone other than himself.