Sunday, December 04, 2005

I've Yet to Actually Read This Month's Wizard

I don't know if that's a blessing, really, but it seems that the issue in question is full of silly little multiple choice predictions about the post-Infinite Crisis future of the DCU. They're getting disseminated to no end all about the nerdosphere, and I thought I'd throw in my two cents because, frankly, I have little else to do prior to the new episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force at 12:15.

I'm lifting the questions from Ragnell's Written World with a healthy sense of irony, as I had promised on that very blog to tear into this issue of Wizard with my mighty teeth made of wit a while back, not knowing that the postal service was going to screw me over.

I warn you that my predictions are ridiculous and based on almost nothing.

One of these characters will give birth in '06: Wonder Woman, Power Girl, Catwoman, or Oracle

They already played the Power Girl Is Pregnant During a Big Event card once and no one cared. I can't imagine they'd dust if off again. Anyway, I feel like it's probably going to be Catwoman. I say Huntress will save Bats from a tight spot, but it'll end in her death. Her last words'll be some overdramatic nonsense about finally getting his approval, and Bruce'll name his new kid after her, resulting in a brand-new, in-continuity Helena Wayne running about.

One of these characters will be stripped of their powers: Superman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Green Lantern/Hal Jordan

I'm thinking the Powers That Be won't take Hal's ring away so soon after giving the damn thing back to him.

Mucking with Superman's powers is always a bad idea, but they did do it after Final Night, so you never know.

If Supergirl lost her powers and then, like, got hit by a truck, I'd be happy, but I don't see it happening, what with the Legion title change and Rucka ending up on her book after Loeb.

Wonder Woman seems to be a solid bet, as things are looking pretty good for Diana getting clayed solid at some point before this nonsense blows over, and if she's not even mobile, I'd say she's been stripped of her powers.

Hee hee, "getting clayed."

One of these characters will become the mayor of a crime-riddled city: Wally West, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Oliver Queen

Wally's a damned mechanic. Did he even finish college? Plus, he doesn't have the whole public identity thing going for him anymore, so he's just a guy who works in a police garage with a semi-famous wife and a brief stint as a murder suspect. Besides, the book would be way more interesting if Goldface ended up running Keystone somehow.

Dick doesn't have the clout or the credentials, either, so unless his entire campaign is "Hi, I'm Nightwing, This City Would've Burned Down Without Me," I think he's out.

Bats or Green Arrow would seem to be the logical choices, with Bruce being the one I'd go with.

Though GA as a mayor could lead to some vaguely interesting stories. I guess. Eh, probably not.

One of these characters will have amnesia and be unable to tell friend from foe: Martian Manhunter, Aquaman, Atom, Elongated Man

Oh, good, amnesia. I can't see a way that Atom or Elongated Man having amnesia would really make a difference. The way the bit's worded, the character in question will ended up coming to blows with his former buddies, so I'd hope it'd be somebody formidable, you know? Atom's not a physical threat to anybody, really, unless he's stepping on blood vessels in their brains. I just couldn't buy an amnesia story where the confused hero is that cerebral. Works better if it's like one of the many times Wolverine's ended up fighting a hero because he's gone berserker or is getting mind controlled by Apocalypse, or other such bullshit, so your shrinking physicists and stretchy detectives are out, as far as I'm concerned.

If it's Aquaman, the "Sword of Atlantis" subtitle his book's getting leads me to believe he'd be Namor for a while, striking out against the mainlanders. Which would be interesting for maybe four issues.

I'd guess it'd have to be the Manhunter, since J'onn could pretty easily take out almost anybody in the DCU so long as they don't have a book of matches and he doesn't forget that he isn't afraid of fire anymore.

One of these characters will take the mantle as the most powerful hero in the DCU: Booster Gold, Animal Man, Kyle Rayner, Earth-2 Superman

If Booster gets the Blue Beetle scarab, he'd be pretty powerful, but there's no way he'd be outpacing, say, Firestorm.

I can't think of a way that Buddy would be the "most powerful hero in the DCU," really. Animal powers are neat and all, but I don't know of any monkeys with heat vision, you dig?

Earth-2 Supes isn't as tough as Actual Supes, if I remember correctly.

Kyle's going to be calling himself "Ion" again pretty soon, though. As Ragnell said, all "mantle" means is "name," so even if he doesn't have the full range of Ion powers, he's rocking the right name.

One of these characters will become a criminal: Hal Jordan, Superman, Flash, Captain Marvel

Not Hal. Not Superman. I could see Flash technically being a bad guy for a while in a misunderstanding or something. Somebody could play the I Am Holding Your Children Hostage card. He'd fall for that and, like, rob a bank or something.

Captain Marvel could get jumped by the Seven Deadlies and swing evil for a while, especially without Shazam to tell him what to do. He is still a kid, after all, and kids are stupid. That's why they're still kids.

So either Wally or Billy, but either way, it won't stick.

One of these characters will be the only one around after "Infinite Crisis": The Flash/Wally West, Superboy/Connor Kent, Green Lantern/Guy Gardner, Nightwing/Dick Grayson

I don't think it's Wally. They'd have to bump off Jay Garrick, which I'm certain ain't happening. Plus, there's like a billion Flashes.

Same with Green Lanterns. Just too many people to get rid of to leave any of them as the lone gun with the title.

Jason Todd and Tim Drake could somehow get shuffled off, leaving Dick as the sole former Robin wandering about, but I doubt it.

Maybe Superman ends up off-world or otherwise occupied, Supergirl heads off into the future and Conner's the only cat with an S-shield?

One of these characters becomes the military's secret weapon: Cyborg, Wonder Woman, Red Tornado, Green Lantern/John Stewart

Red Tornado is the only one that I could technically classify as a "weapon." The guy's hardware, really, and him being used as a Really Smart Bomb with wind powers seems like a decent idea. Or maybe the army's recruited TO Morrow to develop robot soldiers for them as, like, a plea bargain, and Tornado gets called in to keep an eye on his creator, or something.

One of these characters will destroy an entire country and kill millions: Braniac, Sinestro, Black Adam, Vandal Savage

Only way Adam's killing that many people is if they're invading his home country. I could see that happening, actually. Johns has spent so long making him a shades-of-gray character that there's no way they'll make him a full-on villain again, but I could see him doing something he could justify as an act of war. Maybe a country is manipulated into attacking Kahndaq by Luthor, or something?

Killing millions seems like it's out of Sinestro's league.

Vandal Savage blew up a city before (remember? Rocket Red suits? The Crappy Version of the Titans inside? Nukes? Explosions? B-Plot of One Million? Yeah), but he's just lifted some wacky weapon of great power from the Flash Museum, so maybe he's going for a repeat performance.

Brainiac's been pretty quiet since the Outsiders and Titans Starfired his ass during The Insiders, but he seems like more of a killing-a-planet kinda guy.

I'm going with Adam or Savage. Probably Savage, since he's been notably inactive for such an important villain.

I have a terrible feeling that I'm wrong on all counts.

5 comments:

Tom Foss said...

"I just couldn't buy an amnesia story where the confused hero is that cerebral."

Plus, just like Power Girl pregnancy, they've played that card already...in the same crossover. Remember when Ray got de-aged, couldn't remember most of his adult life, and led the crappiest Teen Titans in recent memory?

kelvingreen said...

I wouldn't count "it's happened before" as a point against, given that it's Johns, and [b]IC[/b] has been all about repetition so far.

My pick for mayor is either Wally (ties in with him not being Flash anymore (upgrade for Impulse perhaps?) and the book's political themes) or Nightwing (although I'd prefer to see him be Batman). I don't see it being Bruce Wayne, but it could be Green Arrow.


So they're packing Supergirl off into the future are they?

kelvingreen said...

GAH! Stupid bloody BB code formatting!

Jon said...

Ew, I do remember Young Atom. I didn't want, to, but I do.

I still can't buy Wally West as a politician. He's just not that clever. He's happy being blue collar, and I don't think it'd make sense to all the sudden make him a politician.

Batman, though, is a CEO and a certified control freak, so him making the leap from Vigilante By Night to Running the City With Political Power doesn't seem so strange to me. And it'd take Bats out of circulation for a little while, which has been strongly implied.

Ragnell said...

I still say it's Wonder Woman who'll be pregnant, and Superman who'll be powerless. I agree on the Batman will be mayor bit, though. This will take all of the DC Top Three out of action for a good year (and finally Diana performs an act of worship for Aphrodite!)

Neat angle on the "only one of these will be around" question. I don't think anyone's looked at it that way.