Friday, November 18, 2005

Naked Comic Book Characters

I've had a cold for the last business week, prompting me to take a herculean amount of DayQuil. That leads to the mind wandering on a level only comparable to Odysseus or, perhaps, the tribes of Israel. Wednesday, I was reasonably certain that I was hallucinating in Wal Mart, but it turns out that they really do sell an animatronic elk head that sings "Suspicious Minds." I mean, Christ, who knew?

Anyway, the point is, I've been thinking about really stupid stuff the last couple days. For example, why does no one ever object when Ben Matlock starts more or less testifying during his cross examination? Where did Paris Hilton even get a monkey? How the Hell is Laguna Beach Talan getting married? Why are there so many functionally naked comic book characters?

Clayface. He's naked. At least, the current incarnation is. Mystique? Naked. Makes her clothes out of herself, most of the time. Girl One's nudity was a plot point in Top Ten. Martian Manhunter just makes his little harness/underpants combo out of himself. Plastic Man hasn't worn pants since the forties. Despero's been wearing nothing but a tattered cape for years now, and that one's weird, because he used to be fully clothed. He probably used to have genitals, too. Alan Scott's made of Starheart energy, meaning he's effectively wearing a costume made out of himself, if I understand his powers correctly.

Hellstrike used to wear nothing but a leather jacket before he was brutally killed to death by Aliens (capital-A Aliens, yet) in Stormwatch. Granted, he was just a cloud of gas inside a slightly pliable forcefield that looked like a person, but it was firmly established that he could grow the necessary parts for reproduction out the front of him (and that it was "bloody beautiful"), and he'd wear clothes when he wasn't on-duty, as it were, so it's a little strange that he'd just float about pantsless on missions.

By that definition, Captain Atom's naked, too.

Casper the Friendly Ghost? More like Casper the Sick Little Dead Nudist.

...I'm going to go take a nap, now, I think.

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